A Beginner-Friendly Guide to the Meaning, Rituals, and Significance of Shiva in Jewish Tradition

Losing a loved one is one of the hardest things anyone can experience. In Judaism, the mourning process is sacred and guided by a series of time-honored rituals. One of the most central and meaningful of these is Shiva, a seven-day period of structured mourning. 

This blog post is designed as a comprehensive guide to help you understand the purpose, customs, and spiritual significance of Shiva—whether you are observing it, supporting someone who is, or simply curious about Jewish traditions.

What Is Shiva in Judaism?

Shiva (שִׁבְעָה), which literally means “seven” in Hebrew, refers to the seven-day period of mourning observed by close relatives of a person who has died. This time is set aside for grief, reflection, and support from the community.

It begins immediately after the funeral and is the most intense phase of mourning in Jewish tradition. Shiva is considered both a mitzvah (commandment) and a compassionate process that helps mourners begin healing while honoring the memory of their loved one.

Who Observes Shiva?

The observance of Shiva is traditionally carried out by the immediate family of the deceased. This includes:

• Spouse: The husband or wife of the deceased mourns deeply during Shiva and often helps host the prayer gatherings at home.
• Parents: When a child passes away, the parents take part in Shiva as one of the most profound expressions of Jewish mourning.
• Children: Sons and daughters mourn the loss of a parent through the rituals of Shiva and typically lead the recitation of the Mourner’s Kaddish.
• Siblings: Brothers and sisters of the deceased also observe Shiva and participate in prayer services and traditional customs.

The Purpose and Significance of Shiva

Shiva has both spiritual and psychological significance. It is designed to create a sacred time and space for mourning, allowing the mourner to focus on their loss without the distractions of daily life.

Here’s why Shiva is such a meaningful practice:

• Honoring the Deceased: Shiva allows mourners to remember and pay tribute to the life and legacy of the departed. This is done through stories, prayer, and shared memories.
• Providing Emotional Support: The presence of friends, neighbors, and community members helps the mourner feel less alone in their grief.
• Encouraging Reflection: The rituals of Shiva are meant to shift the focus from the material world to the spiritual, encouraging reflection on life, death, and the soul’s journey.
• Structured Healing: Jewish law recognizes that mourning must be given proper time and structure. Shiva gives people a defined period to grieve before slowly re-entering daily life.

Key Shiva Customs and Rituals

These rituals help mourners focus inward and remember the life of their loved one in a sacred and meaningful way.

1. Covering Mirrors

All mirrors in the home are traditionally covered during Shiva. This practice removes vanity and distraction, emphasizing the spiritual over the physical. It also symbolizes that mourners are not concerned with their appearance, as their focus is on grieving.

2. Sitting on Low Chairs or the Floor

Mourners often sit on low stools or even directly on the floor during Shiva to symbolize their broken state and humility before God. Regular chairs are avoided to reflect the mourner’s diminished status and sorrow.

3. Wearing Torn Clothing (K’riah)

Before the funeral, mourners perform a ritual called k’riah, where they tear a piece of clothing or a black ribbon. This act is a physical manifestation of the pain and heartbreak they are experiencing and is worn throughout Shiva.

4. Refraining from Daily Pleasures

During Shiva, mourners abstain from pleasurable or joyful activities to fully immerse themselves in mourning. This includes:
Bathing for pleasure: While cleanliness is maintained, luxurious baths or showers are avoided.

• Wearing leather shoes: Leather is considered a sign of comfort and luxury, so it is avoided during mourning.
• Listening to music or entertainment: Joyous activities like music, parties, and movies are set aside to focus on remembrance.
• Attending celebrations: Mourners do not attend weddings, parties, or other festive gatherings during Shiva.

5. Lighting a Shiva Candle

A special candle is lit and burns continuously for the seven days of Shiva. This flame symbolizes the eternal soul of the deceased and serves as a visual reminder of their spiritual presence.

6. Hosting a Minyan for Prayers

Daily prayer services, especially those that include the Mourner’s Kaddish, are often held in the Shiva home. A minyan (quorum of 10 Jewish adults) is needed to recite certain prayers, and community members help ensure this is fulfilled. These gatherings allow mourners to connect with tradition and draw strength from faith.

What Happens During a Shiva Visit?

Visitors play an essential role in the Shiva experience by offering comfort and presence to the bereaved.

Etiquette Tips for Shiva Calls:

• Enter quietly: Shiva homes are typically quiet, somber places. Enter respectfully and don’t expect a typical social greeting.
• Let the mourner lead: Don’t feel pressure to initiate conversation. If the mourner wants to speak, follow their lead. Sometimes, silence is just as supportive as words.
• Offer thoughtful words: A traditional phrase is: “May you be comforted among the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem.” This expression connects the mourner’s grief to a collective history.
• Avoid clichés: Phrases like “everything happens for a reason” or “they’re in a better place” can be painful. Instead, speak from the heart or simply say, “I’m so sorry for your loss.”
• Share memories: When appropriate, sharing a story about the deceased can bring comfort and connection.
• Keep your visit short: Unless you're a close friend or family member, brief visits are best. The goal is support, not socialization.

Food During Shiva: The Tradition of Meals of Condolence

Bringing food to the Shiva home is one of the most helpful ways to support mourners. It alleviates the burden of cooking and shows tangible care.

• Seudat Havra’ah (Meal of Consolation): This is the first meal the mourners eat upon returning home from the funeral. It typically includes:
• Bread: A symbol of sustenance and community.
  Hard-boiled eggs: Represent the cycle of life and the unspoken sorrow of the mourner.
• Lentils: Their round shape also reflects the life cycle and continuity.
• Kosher food: Always bring or send kosher meals, especially if the mourners observe Jewish dietary laws. Many people send platters, gift baskets, or pre-prepared meals from kosher caterers.

How Long Does Shiva Last?

Shiva traditionally lasts seven full days, starting immediately after the burial and ending on the morning of the seventh day.
However, some modifications may occur:

• Holidays shorten Shiva: If a major Jewish holiday like Passover, Rosh Hashanah, or Yom Kippur occurs during Shiva, the mourning period ends early or is paused.
• Partial observance: While seven days is ideal, some families may observe only three days due to work, travel, or health concerns.
• Final day: On the seventh morning, mourners may take a short walk outside to symbolically re-enter society.

After Shiva: Continuing the Mourning Process

The end of Shiva is not the end of mourning—it’s a transition to the next stage:

• Sheloshim (30 days): The next phase of mourning continues for 30 days from the burial. Mourners return to work but still avoid celebrations and public festivities.
• Year-long mourning (for a parent): If the mourner lost a parent, a full year of mourning is observed, including the daily recitation of the Mourner’s Kaddish and restrictions on certain events.

Final Thoughts: The Wisdom of Shiva

In a fast-paced world where grief is often rushed, Judaism offers a sacred space through Shiva. It allows mourners to pause, remember, and begin to heal with the support of faith, family, and tradition.

Shiva is not only about mourning a life lost but also about reaffirming the values, memories, and love that continue.

Whether you are observing Shiva, attending a Shiva visit, or simply learning more about Jewish customs, understanding this ancient tradition brings insight into the beauty and depth of Jewish life and loss.

Frequently Asked Questions About Shiva

Q: Can non-Jews attend a Shiva?

Yes, non-Jews are welcome and encouraged to attend Shiva calls as a sign of support. Simply follow respectful etiquette and ask questions if unsure.

Q: Can I bring flowers to Shiva?

No. Flowers are not customary in Jewish mourning. Instead, consider sending kosher food, making a donation in the deceased’s name, or sending a heartfelt note.

Q: What should I wear to a Shiva call?

Wear modest and respectful clothing, similar to what you might wear to a synagogue or funeral. Avoid flashy or bright outfits.